How to Fix Passive-Aggressive Communication
Direct, affirmative communication promotes peace and power.
Passive-aggressive communication kills both. When you want something from someone, expect resistance, and then try to circumvent it by going covert with your feelings or expectations, voila! you get passive-aggressive communication. It’s a sneak attack.
When you’re on the receiving end, the words sound nice, but feel gross. Passive-aggressive communication presents a confrontational message in a pleasant disguise. It’s nice to your face with an undercurrent of spite. And remember: if there’s a mismatch between your words and your nonverbals—your tone, your facial expressions, your body language—people go with the nonverbals every time.
Passive-aggressive communication doesn’t fool anyone. It just destroys trust, rapport, and relationships. It’s an adversarial approach! Naturally… it makes enemies.
So how do you avoid this? Flip the formula: Be direct and unambiguous with your words, while communicating goodwill nonverbally.
I admit, I’m not the first person to say this:
- Brené Brown says: Be clear and kind; because clear is kind.
- Kim Scott says: Challenge directly while caring personally.
- Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen say: Say what you mean, with empathy.
- Susan Scott says: Confront, but without the emotional load.
These authors agree: You can be honest, if you demonstrate respect and compassion.
And, well… that’s hard. It’s way easier to fake kindness while inserting a little snark to try to get your way. But it doesn’t actually work.
So, to fix passive-aggressive communication, start by accessing some authentic respect and compassion. This may actually be the hardest part! If you need a little help, remember this: Every single person on the planet is an absolutely amazing work of art—a masterpiece! Perhaps the particular masterpiece you’re working with has years of dirt and grime smeared all over it, or maybe it’s pretty cracked and broken. (Aren’t we all??) But even with the scars, everyone has amazing value. Everyone deserves dignity and respect simply for existing. Bring that perspective to your conversation.
Then, figure out exactly what you need to say. Present a clear message. Be straightforward and precise with:
- Instructions
- Expectations
- Boundaries
- Feedback
- Roles and Responsibilities
- Deadlines
- Wants and Needs
Don’t beat around the bush or add a bunch of softeners or apologize for what you have to say. Be direct and specific, so there is no ambiguity.
However, how you present your clear message matters. With it, you need to communicate that you care, and you don’t necessarily do that with words, especially empty words you don’t mean. If you want people to feel safe hearing your clear message, you need to prove that you care by how you act and relate to them—i.e., through your nonverbal communication.
When you’ve accessed your authentic respect and compassion for the person you’re talking to you, you may find that your nonverbals naturally warm up, too. But it’s a good idea to be proactive about how you present your message, especially if it might be difficult to take. Here’s what caring and engaged nonverbal communication looks like:
- A calm, comfortable body that isn’t tense or fidgety
- Fully present attention
- Relaxed and engaged facial expressions
- Softly focused eye contact—neither spacey nor frighteningly intense
- A warm and authoritative voice
- Posture that is straight and tall, yet not rigid
- Open arms, gestures, and language
What it all comes down to is a shift in perspective. If the other person is a problem to be solved or an adversary to defeat, you will attack. And if an open attack doesn’t seem like a good idea, you’ll be sneaky about it.
Instead, find a way to come alongside the other person. Deliver your message in clear language, undergirded with positive energy. That’s how you flip the formula. Instead of being passive, be proactive. Instead of being aggressive, be considerate.
It takes practice, and a little courage. But with this approach you’ll build strong relationships, develop healthy work environments, and create more personal peace and power.