How to Ask for What You Want
Asking for what you want is an essential life skill that yields enormous positive benefits (e.g., the thing you want!).
But like so many other life skills—budgeting, doing laundry, cooking breakfast, driving in snow—no one teaches you as part of a formal curriculum. You’re just supposed to learn it by osmosis.
Without this skill, you may just hope for what you want. Or you may demand what you want. Or you may ignore what you want.
And, yeah, sometimes you may still get what you want. But none of those is as effective as a good ask.
Sometimes people don’t ask because they don’t know how. Other times, fear of rejection gets in the way. With that in mind, here are some tips for improving how you ask, as well as overcoming the fear that gets in the way:
Step One: Before
Especially if you have a big ask, expect resistance, or will be discussing an emotionally charged subject, do a little prep work. Your number one goal: Clarity.
- Do you actually know what you want?
- Can you put it into words?
- Why do you want it?
- Who do you need to ask?
- What’s in it for them?
The more clearly you can articulate the answers to these questions—at least to yourself—the greater your chances of success. If you aren’t sure what you’re asking or why, it’s really hard to get anyone else on board. When you spend a moment clarifying the details, you increase your chances of being heard, understood, and awarded your request.
Step Two: During
When you ask:
1) Be specific and direct.
Share the clarity you came to. Don’t hint. Spell it out. Connect the dots. (Or whatever analogy works for you.) Make sure it’s abundantly clear what you want, why you want it, and what you are hoping for from the other person.
2) Be respectful.
You’re asking, not demanding. Make it okay to say “no.” Very often, when people feel pressured to give a certain answer, they perversely find themselves wanting to do the opposite. (In psychological parlance, this is called reactance.) So, avoid pressure or guilt trips.
Also, watch your tone. It’s easy to get exasperated when you believe your request should be obvious, (i.e., “I shouldn’t have to ask”), or you’ve asked before, or any number of other reasons. Keep in mind that no one else on earth sees anything—including your request—exactly as you do. You’re much more likely to get a positive response if you keep the exasperation out of your voice. To do that, release tension in your vocal cords with a few deep breaths to make your voice sound more warm and polite.
3) Be confident.
While it is often helpful to give people permission to say “no,” don’t assume “no.” Respect your request (and yourself!) enough to ask with boldness.
Nonverbally, this looks like a relaxed yet authoritative posture, a calm still body, and an openness in your arms and chest. (For more, check out “10 Ways to Communicate Confidence Nonverbally.”)
Step Three: After
Okay, you made your ask. Now what?
1) Wait. Allow some space for silence. Don’t fill it up with back pedaling or nonstop chatter about why they should give you what you want. Give the person a chance to think and consider. Meanwhile, breathe, stay present, and be still. You can also say, “You don’t need to decide right now. I’ll check back with you after a few minutes/days/weeks.” (Introverts especially appreciate this.)
2) Say thank you. Regardless of the answer, someone gave you their time and heard your request. Acknowledge that.
3) Follow up. Not all requests require a follow-up, but sometimes it makes sense to revisit the conversation later. Depending on the ask and the answer, you may need to ask again at a later date or to share new developments. Those types of follow-ups can lay the groundwork for future success in asking.
But what if you’re having a hard time asking in the first place? Then you need to…
Overcome the Fear of Rejection
Most human beings HATE rejection. We are social creatures and have a deep-seated need to belong. Rejection can therefore feel like an existential threat. No joke! It’s not just teenagers who believe life will be over if the wrong person turns them down. No wonder we avoid rejection like the plague.
Of course, fears typically outstrip reality by a longshot, especially if you have an overactive imagination like I do. And the fear of rejection (often unfounded!) can hold you back in all sorts of ways in life; for example, it can keep you from asking for, and therefore getting, what you want.
If this sounds like you, here are some tips for facing and overcoming this fear:
Question the stories you tell yourself. What would a “no” to your request actually mean? Most of the time, it simply means “no.” It doesn’t mean “I hate you, how could you ask that, what kind of a moron are you, you are presumptuous and demanding, you are an idiot, I would never consent to that, don’t ever speak to me again.” Don’t add more meaning to “no” than it deserves.
Have realistic expectations. Be prepared for the prepared for the possibility of “no,” yet don’t use that as an excuse to catastrophize. The likelihood that your boss will kick you out of the office while yelling and screaming and throwing things at you because you asked for a raise is pretty low. (If it’s not, find somewhere else to work!) Don’t let improbable outcomes hold you back.
Accept that “no” is a part of life. You say it all the time. At least, I hope you do! Sometimes “no” is a perfectly valid response, even to your request. No one gets everything they want every time they ask. (Sorry!) But you get even less if you aren’t willing to ask. If you’re willing to hear “no,” you’ll probably hear a lot more “yes,” too.
Practice being rejected. You can inoculate yourself against rejection by purposefully making inconsequential requests that are likely to be turned down. Yes, it sounds a bit crazy. But like entrepreneur Jia Jiang, who famously desensitized himself to rejection by making outrageous requests for 100 days, you will become less worried about the reactions of others and more brave.
Build up your self-worth. If you are only a valuable person when other people like you, approve of you, and give you what you want, hearing “no” is devastating. When your sense of self can’t be shaken by the outcome of a question, it frees you up to ask all sorts of things!
There are all sorts of things in life that you want and can’t have (at least maybe not with one simple ask) because of things that are beyond your control. You want to be taller? You want your coworker to have a different personality? You want the world to be rid of all biases? Unless you’ve found a genie in a magic lamp, asking won’t fix those things. But there are many, many, many things you can have if you’re willing and able to put your request out there.
What do you want? With some skills and some courage, you can ask!